1. Sample topics

2. Essay deconstruction

3. Essay 1

4. Essay 2

5. Essay 3

6. Essay 4

7. Essay 5

8. Tips on taking an essay test

Sample topics:

FOR EACH OF THE TOPICS BELOW, USE THE PROGRAM INSPIRATION TO DIAGRAM/OUTLINE THE TOPIC.  THEN WRITE A FULLY DEVELOPED ESSAY OF NO LESS THAN 300 WORDS.  REMEMBER TO SUPPORT YOUR THESIS. 

         We all know that the values (the principles and beliefs that guide our decisions and actions) we learn in childhood strongly influence or shape our later life. Sometimes these values stay with us unaltered and sometimes our experience leads us to change or reject the values we learned.

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Sample essays:

Essay Deconstruction

Use the student writing samples below to improve your writing:  

• Copy and paste each essay to Word.

• Turn off grammar and spell check options.

• Read each essay or use a document reader to listen to each essay.

• Underline or highlight the thesis and evaluate it. Does it contain a subject and a controlling idea?  If so bold the subject and underline the controlling idea).

• Identify each of the supporting points by red highlight.

• Write down or highlight in yellow the specific examples and other supporting evidence given for each supporting point

• Write down or highlight in green the summary words in the conclusion.

• Read the commentary and write if you agree or disagree with it and why.

• Follow the same process with each of the essays.

• Decide which essays received a passing grade and which ones failed.

• Then read the commentaries to see if you are in agreement with the graders.

The goal of this assignment is to have you deconstruct the following essays, so that you can begin to evaluate the elements of an acceptable essay.

EXAMPLES OF ESSAYS WITH COMMENTARIES

Writing Topic 1

We all think at one time or another that we know a better way of doing something than it is presently being done- Choose a situation or practice on the campus or in your community that you think needs to be altered and-consider the changes you  would make. Then write an essay in which you identify the current situation or practice, describe the changes you would make, and explain what results you would expect from these changes.

Essay #1:

 Traditionally, the treatment of acutely ill or injured patients has been accomplished through hospitalization. In my opinion, many people are being hospitalized today unnecessarily. In other cases, people are remaining hospitalized longer than necessary. I would like to change the emphasis from institutional care to home health care for the many patients who would benefit from the alteration. I would promote the establishment of home health care agencies to specialize in the treatment of acutely ill patients, thus decreasing the cost of healthcare while increasing the comfort of the patient and his family by allowing him to remain in his own surroundings.

As a registered nurse working on a general medical-surgical unit of an acute care facility, I am frequently reminded of the stress incurred by removing patients from their own environments and placing them in an institution especially at a time when they are not feeling well anyway. Additionally, I see the frustration of the families who are permitted only limited visiting priviledges. Furthermore, I have personally experienced the trauma of receiving an enormous hospital bill and wondering how I would pay it. As the cost of health care has been rising, so has the stress of financial burden been providing further detriment to the healing process.

I would like to facilitate the establishment of home health care agencies, 1'1 staffed primarily by nurses working under the supervision of physicians. I would provide support services by physical, speech, and occupational therapists so that the patient could receive a full range of care in his home. A stroke victim, for instance, once stabilized, could be discharged from the hospital many days earlier than is currently practiced if he had adequate care at home. Often, family members are present and anxious to assist in the patient's home care but lack experience. I would establish programs for the training of families in basic home care and would encourage communities to support these programs. Also, I would educate physicians regarding the feasibility and importance of limiting hospitalization of patients. For example, many patients are currently suffering lengthy hospital stays due to requiringintravenous antibiotic therapy two to four times daily. These same patients could receive these treatments at home by registered nurses if physicians were aware of the availability of home care services. The positive results of treating patients at home instead of in the hospital are numerous. When the stress of a change in environment is eliminated, the patient can focus his attention on becoming well. Many of our hospital's patients are elderly and become confused mentally when hospitalized. These patients frequently resist treatment and expend their valuable energy in fighting us. Their rest and sleep is interrupted by hallucinations and delusions. Frequently, these same patients become mentally clear within hours of being discharged home. Furthermore, home health care can be delivered much more economically than institutional care. Our government is demanding that we reduce the cost of medical care. One way to meet that challenge is to provide care at home, thus eliminating the overhead of a hospital and the costly salaries of housekeeping, dietary, and twenty-four hour a day nursing personnel.

Finally, an advantage to home care is providing the family with an opportunity to become actively involved in the care of a loved one. In my own experience, I was able to care for my mother-in-law in her home during the last week of her life when she was dying from cancer. I will always appreciate the ability I had to care for her and insure that she would be surrounded by family rather than being treated by strangers in a unfamiliar setting.

Although historically seriously ill patients have been admitted to hospitals for treatment, I believe a change is advisable now. I think I could reduce the fear of illness and hospitalization, lower the cost of health care, and improve the relationship between the patient and his family by providing extensive home health care services. 

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Commentary

The above is an impressive performance for a two-hour writing exam. Note, the clear organization of the essay in which each paragraph advances and elaborates the topic. In the first paragraph, the writer identifies her topic, describes briefly the current situation, and states the change she would make.

The next two paragraphs give detailed explanations for why changes in hospital care are necessary and why the writer's proposed solution would be useful. In these two paragraphs the writer also avoids over-generalizing by providing some specific examples of what she proposes to do. In the next paragraph the writer addresses the question of the results of her proposed changes, and here again she uses specific examples drawn from her personal experience. The last paragraph briefly sums up the position the writer has taken in the essay.

This essay has five paragraphs and follows a familiar pattern.

An essay should follow a sequence appropriate to the topic and to the writer's intentions.

In other respects, this is also a sound piece of writing. Ideas are clearly expressed, there is considerable sentence variety, and diction is accurate an appropriate. There are a few errors here and there are some spelling and punctuation problems, a problem in subject/verb agreement, but these are negligible, given the overall performance. 

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Essay # 2

Currently there have been a large number of closures of programs that work with abused and delinquent children and adolescents. Residential Treatment Centers and Group Homes have been hit hardest. Usually the reason given is lack of funding. I feel that this is a very important issue, especially in the Bay Area because of what we know about the probability of these children \ eventually entering into "the system" later as welfare recipients, unwed 1 mothers, criminals, mental health patients or abusive parents. I feel that residential care is a comparatively low cost way of preventing this. In this essay I will tell how I think supplimental state funding and increased community awareness can result in few closures of programs, increased value of these programs to the community, and a higher quality of life for the children. I believe that there are solutions that can benifit both the children in need of services and the funding sources.

In this time of Reaganomics, funding for many social services have been cut at the national level. Agencys who once recieved their funding from one of many government sources that existed during the 1960's and 70's, now are struggling to keep their programs open. Public agencys and programs have closed at a much faster rate than private ones. However it has now reached the point that the private agencies no longer wish to carry the financial burden alone. It seems that there will have to be a cooperative effort made between the public and the private sector .

One way of freeing privately funded programs from carrying the huge financial burden they do, would be to pass a bill that is now in the California State Legislature. This bill would allocate an addition 3-4 million dollars a year to help supplement the increased cost of residential care. Passage of this bill could make it possible for many programs to continue their services since they might then apply for 100 percent funding. Currently most programs recieve approximately 50 percent of their total costs as board rates paid by the county placing the child. Additional state funding will make a huge difference in some programs being able to continue their services.

The public sector must not be made totally responsible for the community's needs. There are many untapped resources in the private sector that I feel could be valuable. I would suggest that the agencys and programs that work with children, combine their efforts, and as a unit seek to increase the communities awareness of what they do. This increased awareness through publicity or community events could benifit the programs not only financially, but also increase their image. Private donations would increase. More knowledge of what the programs offer could increase their effective use. Informed persons would be more likely to vote against further cuts in funding. Thus increased awareness of who these programs are, what they do and how it benifits the community can increase the programs image and make available resources that had previously not been realized.

An increase in the image of residential care and the funding to keep these programs open, should result in an adequate number of placements to meet the needs of the community. tt also should increase the value that a community would give such services. Frequently the value of things in the United States has more to do with how much money they produce. Thus business and industry are considered more valuable than education, or childcare. But t believe that these programs that work with children are economically as well as socially benificial. It is a well-known fact that many of these children will grow up to become dependants of one social system or another. There is an 80 percent chance that an abused child will grow up to be an abusive parent. Seventy-five percent of teenage pregnancys were victims of incest once. The cost of a year in prison is five times the cost of residential care. This is not to mention the cost to society for the crimes they may commit before they are ever caught. These statistics make it an economic benifit to the community, to help these children at an early age before they become a larger burden on society.

Experience has shown that early intervention has been very successful. Many of these children who are helped early in their lives, go on to become productive, valuable citizens.

Many agencies and programs, both public and private, are finding it increasingly difficult to remain in operation due to lack of funding. The closing of these programs will result in a higher level of dependency on other forms of social services at a higher cost to society.

There are solutions that benifit both the children and society. I believe that a greater amount of communication and cooperation is needed between the public and private sector in order to plan ways to continue funding these services. Additional state funding as well as increased visability in the com- munity, should increase funding, improve the image and value to the community for these programs. The children as well as society will benefit by the children becoming more productive citizens. This problem can be resolved by the mutual cooperation of both the state government and the private indi-

vidual, to the benefit of all involved. 

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Commentary

 As with the preceding essay, this essay is well developed and has a considerable amount of pertinent detail. It tends, however, to be a little more generalized. For example, the reader might want to have more specific identification of the private and public agencies and programs referred to in paragraph two. Also, assertions such as that "there are many untapped resources in the private sector ," and that "early intervention has been very successful" in helping children are not substantiated. On the other hand, the writer supplies considerable other data such as figures regarding child abuse and the bill (unnamed) before the California State legislature.

There are also enough other problems to lower the score of this essay. You will note that there are a number of misspellings (benifit, agencys, recieved) and some problems in phrasing, e.g., "increase the image" when probably what is meant is "enhance" or "improve" the image. The writer is also uncertain about the conventions governing the use of the comma as a marker in a sentence and as an indicator of the possessive. There are a few other errors that one could point out; however, this essay, as a first draft, is still a substantial piece of writing and definitely deserves a passing score. 

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Essay #3:

The situation which I believe needs a change is the procedure of registration for classes here at SSU. I realize the difficulty that must be involved in arranging to register such a large body of students. Yet, the current way of handling it is very frustrating to the students. I spend many hours at home arranging my schedule so as to incorporate many of the required courses into a feasible weekly schedule. I always make up alternate schedules in case the classes are closed for my first choice. Upon entering the gym I am faced with choosing which department to register with first. The way registration is set up now, I have to register for each class in it's appropriate department. The frustrating part of it is by having to go to several different lines in the gym the chances are that my desired class will be filled before I get to the front of the line. Thus, I have to go to plan "B" which often requires waiting through the same lines again to cancel out of one section and, hopefully, be admitted into another.

I would like to propose that each student would have to wait in just one line to register for all classes. The computers would have to be programmed together so that as each technician fills a vacancy in a class it would read out on all the other computers. In this way, the registering students wouldn't have to waste a lot of time, patience and anxiety trying to get their classes by waiting futilely in lines. .

At SJC they used a method characteristic of my idea. It was much less stressful to the students. Of course, classes still filled up and schedule changes had to be made, but you saw the whole picture at once. It was easier to comprehend any changes that were necessary.

This change would result in more favorable attitudes of the registering students. It would bring the stress level and unhappiness of those students down to a more tolerable amount. I don't think it would be any extra work for these people running the computers than the existing way.

The prevailing method of registration is very taxing on the students involved. By making the procedure easier for us, in the way I mentioned above, it would provide a more pleasurable beginning to each new semester at SU.

Commentary  

As you can see, this essay is more limited in topic development than the previous two essays. The writer successfully focuses upon an important student concern and proposes a new method of registration. However, the explanation of this method is not as clear as it might be; some important descriptive details seem to be missing, and the writer resorts to somewhat generalized and fuzzy phrasing such as "you saw the whole picture at once."

The writer avoids many of the usual pitfalls (e.g., spelling, punctuation, grammatical problems), but there are several problems in clear expression and accurate sentence formulation (some of which impede the reader's access to meaning). For example, the following sentence is very badly constructed: "The frustrating part of it is by having to go to several different lines in the gym the chances are that my desired class will be filled before I get to the front of the line." And in the sentence, "At SJC they used a method characteristic of my idea," the writer means something other than what is being stated.

Having noted all this, however, one can say that this essay does respond at least minimally to all the tasks assigned by the exam topic, and the writer demonstrates adequate competence in sentence formation, diction, and writing conventions. 

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Essay #4:

Transfering from one university system to another will make a student loose credits and/or require the student to take additional classes. Each educational system seems to have what it believes to be the ideal the "book" says than where the student has progressed.

Take for example a transfering student from a private university to a public university; the student will be placed under the current school calander instead of the year he started college; courses in religion are completly scratched (there are some exceptions); the differences in general education are vast i.e. European civilisation compared to world History, English 101 & 102 which incorporates logic & other critical thinking coarses compared to completly segregated coarses -the list goes on.

Another obstacle a transfering student faces is the loss of credits when he transfers from a quarter system to a semester system. This loss of credits & the additional classes forced upon him can make his four year college career into a five year burden.

School in universities should be structured in such a way that a student can transfer without being penalized. This is not to say that all schools should be under one rule. This in itself would force private schools out of business. But it is to say that transfering students shouldnt be so drasticallyencumbered.

Solutions that seem logical and fare are in need -such solutions are listed below:

1) A transfering student should be able to transfer under the same calander year bulliten. This in itself would solve the majority of the problems a student faces.

2) Instead of cutting the credits of a completed coarse in a quarter system, the student should get full semester credit.

3) General education coarse differences, such as Euro-civ. compared with World History, shouldnt be such a major crisis. This is not to say that the classes in the major can't be more stringent one can clearly see a diffrence.

4) Counselors should be knowledgable of transfer procedures that aid the student.

5) Adminstrations should realize that the student in his junior year is there because he's serious about his education & is working to get through. Out of this realizatjpn Administration should be more than willing to help & promote such a stu~nt -not hinder.

The results-bf such encorporated strategies would be extremely positive. The lowering G.P .A.s, the high number of drop-outs, the rate of returning drop-outs -all would take a turn for the better .

By no means do I want to suggest that a college career should be a easy passing, but I do mean that students who put their lives on standby until they get through school have a high awarness of "what's fare." When a student looks back over the previous years of college & watches the counselor take out a red pencil & scratches the courses that he sweated over the students moti-vation is going to plunder & his anger will summit. If, on the other hand, a counselor takes courses (especially G. E. courses) previously taken & compares them to relevant courses required by the new school, but under the original calandar yr, the student will see himseIf productive in gaining what he is working towards.

With this type of cooperation students will have a chance to gain higher achievements in their choosen study. Plus a variety in institutions & educators, equalling a well educated graduat.

Commentary

 This writer has been able to focus on a central topic (namely, the issue of student transfer credit), describe current circumstances and propose solutions. Sequencing of ideas is generally clear, though the writer's main explanation (second paragraph) is concerned with transfer between private and public schools, a limitation that is not noted in his initial statement of the topic. Also, although a listing of ideas in outline form is not forbidden, writers should avoid devoting too much text to this method of developing a topic.

As you can see, however, there are numerous and quite disconcerting problems in spelling and in sentence formation, enough to drop the essay below a passing score. There are repeated misspellings -loose (for lose), choosen (for chosen), coarse (for course), fare (for fair), diffrences (for differences), etc. There are also problems in word choice and phrasing which seriously impede meaning: "encorporated strategies," "a college career should be a easy passing," "students motivation is going to plunder & his anger will summit." The last sentence in the essay, "Plus a variety in institutions & educators, equalling a well educated graduat," is not a grammatically complete sentence. Note also how the structure of the long sentence in paragraph 2 (making up the whole paragraph) collapses before the end of the sentence is reached.

It would appear that some of the errors in this essay could have been corrected if the writer had allowed time for more careful editing. If this were the case, the writer might be advised to retake the exam at the next administration. However, some of the problems, particularly at the sentence level, indicate that the writer might need to do some practice writing before retaking the essay exam.  

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Essay # 5

There is a standard practice of not allowing people under 25 to rent cars. Such a situation is unfair to a large portion of society. A discription of why this is so and of the benefits that would come if it were changed follows.

In this state people at the age of sixteen can have a license to drive. The state is saying that they can handle the responsibility. The parents must agree that their child can handle the responsibility in order for that child to get a license There are alot of check point for someone 16 or 17. Even with passing all these checks you still can't rent a car. Why? In most cases insurance is being paid on the kid, so that's no reason for being denied.

Now we come to the over 18 group. This group is given the right to vote, the right to die for their country and so on. At 18 the state says that you have enough experience to have the legal right of a citizen, yet you can't rent a car. You can rent a place to live, you can have credit cards but you can't rent a car. No matter how responsible you show yourself to be it doesn't mean any thing! Now the over 21 group is left. Everything already said still holds true. This group even has a higher degree of responsibility, which, again, is given to them by the state. This group can buy alcohol. That is probably perceived as a problem. Well it only a perceived problem not an actual problem. There are more people over 25 that can drink and drive than there are people 21 to 25 that drink and drive.

Why not let them rent a car? It doesn't make sense that this is a state law. The state gives you right in other more important areas and denies this one. I don't see a reason for that. Also, the renters stand to gain from this, but you never hear of them lobbying for a change. If it not a state law then why would the renters denie themselfs the profits they could be getting?

No one would be hurt. There would be no more discrimination of people under 25 and the car renter could make money. Every body would be happer. I'm hoping my childs liberty will not be restricted by an age limit.

Commentary

A quick clue as to how readers might assess this essay is the shortness of the sentences and paragraphs. There is nothing incorrect, of course, about either; short declarative sentences can be a useful stylistic feature in writing. But repeated short sentences with the same subject verb structure usually indicates a writer's inability to use a variety of appropriate sentence forms. Such short sentence patterns tend to prevent the writer from indicating clear and logical connections between ideas. Note, for example, the sentence sequence in paragraph 5: "This group can buy alcohol. That is probably perceived as a problem." The relative pronoun "that" has no clear antecedent, but more importantly, there is no indicated connection between these two statements. Such problems in the logical relationship between ideas appear repeatedly throughout the essay.

A sequence of short paragraphs usually means that main ideas are not fully explored or supported and generally leads the reader to the conclusion that the essay is rather thin in content. Note paragraph 3; there is no explanation of what the "check points" are or how a 16-year-old passes them. Nor is there any support or explanation for the statement that "In most cases insurance is being paid on the kid..." Such minimal development in an essay is considered a major flaw.

Tips on taking an essay test:

• Read the topic carefully and note key terms of the assignment.

• Pre-write (make notes to yourself before beginning to write).

• Outline (or list) sequence of points you want to make. Edit (leave time at the end to reread essay and correct errors).

• Here are a few other suggestions:

• See ATC staff for training on Inspiration, a very useful diagramming/outlining tool.

• Review an English handbook, which covers your problem areas. Review a rhetoric text to reacquaint you with the principles and structures of an expository essay.

• Check in for a tutoring session at the Learning Center 

• Select several topics; then write on one topic for an hour each evening.

• Ask a qualified person to evaluate your writing samples.

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